Its been a while since I've posted a blog. I've written a few that while have been valuable to get down in words, is nothing I want to post for public reading. My byline is "a chubby girl trying to lose weight and gain perspective." Well, in the past couple months, I've lost weight. The scale hasn't moved a tremendous amount but I've dropped a couple sizes, so there you go. Perspective- well, give me credit for trying. I mourned the end of the show and then moved forward. The film is snowballing at such a rate that my fellow producers and crew and I all joke that the film is aptly titled' "Landslide." Everyone has those landslide moments in life where everything all kind of hits you at once, and that's what my collaborator and I wrote about. Fortunately, people like it. Having the perspective to write about things that have happened to you (if I told you about my "landslide year", your hair would curl more than mine!) doesn't mean that you don't repeat the mistake, unfortunately. Still working on that. But, I do better. Working on the self-sabotage my smart mouth sometimes instigates. I'm quicker to ditch anyone who doesn't treat me well, but still not so good at treating myself well.
I read an absolutely marvelous blog, which I am posting the link to here:
Brilliant! Its written by one of the founders of www.fatgirlsguidetoliving.com, where I have been a guest blogger in the past. I recommend you not take my word for it and read it yourself, but I want to write a little more about what this blog had to say. In my 20's, I looked at pictures of myself as a teenager and thought, I was so beautiful and I totally didn't see it, all I saw was fat. No more, I thought. I don't want to be in my 30's, looking at pictures of myself in my 20's and thinking the same thing, and so on. In my 30's (early 30's, thank you), I can say that it worked, I enjoyed being a beautiful 20-something and as I am aging like a fine wine, enjoy being a beautiful 30-something. I suspect I'm in a minority on this- not being beautiful, but on accepting myself as beautiful exactly as I am. Its a struggle, and I have moments where yeah, all I see is fat.
Those moments happen to everyone, where your chubby, pimply preteen rears their frizzy head and reminds you of your insecurities. In a society where you turn on the television and see a million commercials telling your how to make yourself more beautiful in a million ways that you apparently need to, its impossible not to have those moments. But the point that Toni makes in her blog and I would like to reiterate, is that those things that you find so unappealing about your body, most of the time you're either a. the only one who fixates on it (if they notice it at all) or b. shortchanging yourself for something that you don't like but that someone else may really like about your body. Thanks to my brief stint dating a chubby chaser, I can honestly that every single thing that I don't completely love about my body, someone else has completely loved it. Anyone who is that judging of other people's physical flaws is not worth your time anyway. In the end, though, who cares about what anyone else thinks- except maybe if you're feeling particularly down on yourself, try to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you.
The biggest point is to both our essays is that when you accept yourself as you are, then you unconsciously demand that others do the same (and hopefully teaches them to do the same), and it all feeds each other. Its like a non-vicious cycle. The Golden Rule, but reverse the pronouns- do unto yourself as you would do unto others. Worry about being the best version of yourself possible in all senses. Value yourself or no one else will feel they need to. Might I suggest the following- when you feel like crap, look at yourself in the mirror and find something lovely about yourself. Anything you want- your skin, your eyes, your chest (that's always a good one for me- heck, guys are all in love with their penises).
I'm a work in progress on that- I can admire myself with or without clothes on, but I'm pretty hard on this body. Still-- nursing an injured hamstring and an ulcer at the moment, yes, Universe, I get it- slow down a bit and chillax. If I promise to meditate every day and be kinder to myself, could those heal, please? I was starting to enjoy running...
