Whole lot of perspective gained.

You know, the funny thing about having a blog is that I'm a really private person, and I've started a bunch of entries that I've scrapped because I simply don't want it to posted publicly. At the end of a summer where I seem to not be very mad or fat anymore, I would be remiss in not writing how I lost 40 pounds and became a more relaxed version of myself, learning a lot about myself and life in the process.

Its been a crazy summer. In June, I was rear ended, and while checking me for injuries they found something that merited three weeks of testing and me alternating between trying to stay calm and blind panic. It turned out to be much ado about nothing, thank God. I didn't want it to jeopardize the film being produced or anything else, so it took over a week for me to tell anyone else. I rationalized that there was no need for anyone but me to be scared, and I hated seeing fear on my friends' faces and hearing it in their voices, I worried it was selfish to be the cause. But- I told a few other friends, and surprise, the world did not end and I did not feel weak or less independent. It made it more bearable. My friend Cyn said she would pray for me and take me to the various hole in the wall specialty offices I was sent to if I needed to go. My friend Sandy let me talk about what I wanted to happen should the worst come to pass. The others just said they loved me and were going to keep their fingers crossed that it was nothing, which was more than enough. Loved ones have gotten on my case in the past for not asking for help, trying to deal with everything alone, and I'm not saying I saw the light and I will always ask for help when I need it, but I'll do it more than I used to. Which is good because---

I've gone and injured the heck out of my right eye. An eye is supposed to heal in a few days, normally, but I have managed to sustain an injury that will take one month to heal and six more to be normal again. Well, you know, anything worth doing is worth doing all the way. No running, no jumping, no bouncing, no dancing, no lifting weights, nothing more strenuous than walking or swimming, eliminate all stresses as much as possible-- oh, and for when the eye gets cranky, I have a trusty eye patch. Want to make being at work feel like being in a middle school cafeteria? Put one of those bad boys on. And since my being tightly wound contributed to the problem, I have to chill out on a permanent basis or have this be a permanent problem. The specialist read me the riot act, and my regular doc threatened to put me on Paxil and chemically relax me if she had to. I have to follow orders or risk permanently damaging my eye and never being able to do any of those things again- not an option for me. I know I have a tendency to insist on learning things the hard way, but I'm not letting it come to that.

So, friends, I have actually done it- I have chilled out- okay, I'm in the process of learning to but I'm doing it. I have stopped trying to see how many balls I can keep in the air. I take time to decompress- meditate, read, see people I love, at least talk to them. Two days ago, the eye doc checked me out and told me everything looks good. Two weeks ago, he didn't trust me to decompress enough to not do permanent damage, but now he does. I confess, I like being a more relaxed person. At first, I felt like Tigger without his bounce, but I never realized how hard I was on my body til I couldn't be anymore. I used to bounce around like a giant cocker spaniel, and now I'm almost ladylike (almost- I'm still me). Its been the world's biggest pail of water to the face. I never realized how much I rush through everything, and how much I think that I thought something through but I really didn't, and how much I rush to keep from getting attached or give someone room to hurt me. What a cowardly way to live. I'm not speeding back up when this is over. I've had a lot of time to think while being forced to take it easy, and I've spent too much of my life focused on my own stuff and not enough focused on making myself happy. I've been telling people I care about how much they mean to me and that I want to be around them more. I've had some bewildered reactions, but I mean it and I'm going to keep opening myself up (figuratively, of course- the literal version falls under the no bouncing rule, haha).

Oh, and how did I lose so much weight? Getting my hypothryoidism properly treated, Weight Watchers and 5 days a week at the gym. Truth be told, while the weight loss is more obvious, I'm more proud of what's different on the inside.